Feeling the cold wind against your body, hanging from the edge of the 7th floor. Well, what made this girl take this step? This girl is Me. In the wee hours of October, I tried to end my life by trying to jump from the building. I was saved by the person who obviously didn’t want me to do it or else everything would have been out, black and white.
This wasn’t the first time since I tried to end it all. Tried cutting my wrist, and survived with cuts and bruises. Tried banging my head against the mirror, but survived with a head bump. I tried drinking Dettol and survived with food poisoning.
The main question is why? Why was I so desperate to end my life, when did living become so fragile and easy to give up? The answer is a bit different, sometimes living becomes a pain, a pain which can end with your end. My thought at that point in time was very wrong. After battling depression and PTSD, I finally came out of it after years with the support of my family, friends, and well-wishers.
I AM SUICIDIAL AGAIN! Yes, the reason why I am living today is gone hence I also want to go. There are responsibilities on me for which I am breathing and for the people who still care and love me. Yet, I don’t want to live, just breathe. I have learned the difference between simply breathing and living your life to the T.
Trust me, this has been a journey from an utterly enthu cutlet and ever-smiling bubbly girl to a barely alive woman. Life is not fair, I don’t know if Karma exists, life is a tad unfair. Being abused and tarnished is a different battle every day
It’s difficult to find a purpose to get back on track. Through my experiences I have realized that quitting is easy, trying to find a reason to fight back, get up, and start thriving again is very difficult. Each day I am doing the same thing, absolutely nothing!
The reason I am suicidal and lost again? I lost my best friend, My back, my soul, I lost a part of me. There are days when I want to fight my inner demons and rise back again for her and then there are days where I just want to quit and go to her, meet her again, hug her tight, and never leave her. Every day is a new battle and I am still not sure which side is winning, the only thing I know is- My Matta lives within me and I miss my life.
‘Beta, your parents are there with you, go and live your life. Don’t fear anything, your parents are there with you, always having your back‘
Trying to get up only to fall back harder, why is life unfair?
I share my story not for pity, but to shed light on the struggle that countless souls endure silently. The battle to find a reason to keep going, to rise again and thrive, is a formidable one. I know it won’t be easy, and there will be days when I feel like doing nothing at all. For now, it’s one day at a time, baby steps till I make it there.
I have discovered stability in suffering and strength in scars in the middle of life’s storms. Despite the darkness that has hurt my journey, it carries the flame of survival. Let’s continue to keep in mind that we all have an unbreakable spirit within us for those who fight in silence. Let’s create a legacy of bravery and change by rewriting our tales. We choose to thrive and fight against hopelessness with each step.
- Richa Vinita Arora.
